The end of a relationship often can cause traumas from which some people never recover. The effect that a break-up can have on someone could be devastating and last a lifetime. Letting go is perhaps the most difficult thing for a human being to do, despite the fact that we come to this world alone and leave it in the same way. We are here to share with others, but we can do this alone. There is no need for anyone else to validate who we are, and yet we feel at loss when separating from someone we love. It is natural to feel nostalgia and a sense of loss, but we do not have to live with this feeling for the rest of our lives.
While we are in a relationship our habits change; most activities become something that we do together and we get used to the idiosyncrasies of our partners. Being together makes us feel at home, safe and loved, as well as allowing us to express our love to another person. Expectations grow from the beginning and the intention usually is spending our lives together. Sometimes this is not possible.
There are those who feel relieved when it ends, although when a relationship is finished due to an unilateral decision from one of the partners, heartbreak usually follows. Heartbreak is a wonderful opportunity to heal and to free ourselves from old patterns and beliefs, but as it is something that we don’t seem to neither accept, not understand, our instinctive reaction born out of fear is to hold on to what we lost and ask why it happened repeatedly. The belief that we lost something is only an illusion. We lose nothing. Everything that we miss about our ex-partners is already within us. We feel attracted to characteristics in others because we want to develop them, not because we lack them. Fear is unnatural and not really who we are, but as it hides behind different emotions, it is very difficult to recognise.
Holding on to the idea and feelings of a past lover or relationship has a very negative effect in present and future ones, as well as turning our lives into a desolate place to be. This is due to unfulfilled expectations which might never materialise with that person. Whether we love them passionately years after, or we hold a grudge, the relationship does not end. We continue being bound energetically to that person, and in both cases the energy that links us to them is negative and can have serious consequences in future relationships. It does affect the other person too. This is one way which guarantees to give our energy and power to someone else. Without this energy, love might never be possible, as we are still relying on the unlikely possibility that they return to save us from our lack of self-love.
It is understandable that in some cases people hold grudges, as many are treated appallingly in relationships, but the consequences are far greater than what we consciously realise. If the experience has been negative, it is OK to forgive and it is necessary for our own well-being. Forgiving does not mean that they have to be in our lives, but freeing ourselves from their control. The same applies when we continue loving them believing that we are never going to find someone else; someone better, someone who brings the same or a higher feeling of love. If the relationship ended, the chances are that it wasn’t true love.
For as long as we are holding on to the idea of an old love, we remain attached to them energetically. Energy is something most people do not seem to be aware of, but it is always there and it is everywhere. This is when letting go becomes essential. Being energetically attached denies us the possibilities of finding true love, and it is a clear sign that we are not open to love. Our heart is somewhere in the past, not here and now where it belongs. We cannot have a healthy relationship with someone while still thinking, feeling or even loving someone else. If you are still in love with someone else, the new relationship will never work as you would like to, and you will never know why even if this is what you want most. Trying to forget someone else by loving someone new is too high a demand on someone else.There are of course many cases in which a person meets someone else after a break-up, begin a relationship and last until the end of their lives. They could be happy and in love or not, and this is determined by their ability to let go. Beginning a relationship immediately does not solve the problem. It might give us the impression that we are no longer alone, but we are. Is is also an illusion, as it is very likely that the new relationship is born precisely out of what we are trying to escape; loneliness. Until we don’t learn to be alone, we can never have a healthy relationship with anyone.
Some people continue seeing each other after the relationship is over. They might keep having casual sex or linger on the idea that the relationship could be resumed. It is often the case that they keep each other company until someone else comes along, but exclusivity is no longer on the table. It does happen that people get back together. A break-up is not necessarily final. When it comes to relationships there is not absolute truth, although after the first break-up our issues with trust often interfere with the way we feel about the other person, especially if they have seen someone else during that period. This is the phase in which people talk, revisit past concerns and try to revitalise the relationship by trying to make sense of it. The intention is always good, but at this point it might not be solid enough to make it come alive again.
Keeping this energetic attachment influences the kind of person that is going to enter our lives next. And this will be a person with similar feelings to the one who left. They will not be enough either and they might also be still attached to an old relationship. We all have an old flame that got away. What this means in present terms is that neither are entirely present in the relationship. If you listened to your partner talking about an old lover endlessly, whether this is in a negative or positive way, their heart is not yet healed. It does not mean that they want to be with them or they don’t love you, but that they have not ended the relationship and there is an energy that keeps them somehow away from you.
At the same time, thoughts and dreams of them will continue haunting us, bringing uncomfortable emotions. It is fine to think of others, after all, they belong in our lives, but for as long as these memories and thoughts bring up emotions of any type, we have not yet let go completely. Even when we despise someone the energetic bond is still there. To understand the way in which energy works in this process, imagine that you are with you current partner years later and you feel pulled by the thought, memory or feeling of an old lover. Immediately you will feel an emotion hard to explain which will take you away from where you are. Whether you know it or not, your partner will feel this energy, even if they don’t feel it physically. These energies make relationships crumble, as when perceived, others also feel uncomfortable, raising doubts. Doubts lead to insecurities, followed by arguments or disagreements and yet again, we are facing the same or similar situations that we had in past relationships.
When you wonder why new partners end treating you as you were treated in past relationships, here you have the answer. You have not yet moved on from past relationships, a pattern has been created and every person that comes into your romantic life will end behaving towards you in similar ways. This is the reason why letting go is crucial in order to have a healthy relationship. Being aware of this fact is a way in which we can begin to change these patterns and heal. You could be currently in a relationship with the love of your life and be affected by this. Awareness is the first step to change. It doesn’t have to be a drama, but a gradual process which can be achieved with a strong intention.
Letting go can be a long and difficult process and if there was any interest I could give a few tips on how to do it. I have written a book waiting for publication about this process and how we can turn heartbreak into a positive experience, as well as the benefits of letting go. There is only so much I can include in a blog post, but I could give some ideas about how to do it.
Also, there is one case in which the relationship ends when there is indeed true love. This is a topic I will write about in a different blog post, as the person leaving is the one that suffers most under the false illusion that they are freeing themselves from something awful. If this happened to you and you believe you are suffering, rest assured your ex-partner has suffered more.This blog post has been written with the intention to create awareness. It is not the solution, but it is possible. Let’s begin with awareness as the first step to improve our romantic relationships.
By Manel Blanco
Thanks to Manuel Blanco for this article