By Ane Krstevska
At the beginning of going through depression, I didn’t even realize I was in one. I never self-harmed, and I never thought about suicide. I never even considered that I needed to see a professional or just talk to somebody. I didn’t realize I was in depression because what I was going through didn’t seem like anything they show on television.
I know some people that are going through depression and how they can’t get out of the room for the entire day, but me I did everything I ever did, and I did it with all my heart. I wasn’t feeling anything like that.
And that was the first thing that my depression lied to me about – I was neglecting the fact that I am going through depression.
It did it in a way that I woke up every morning doing my usual and routine activities, I went to work regularly, and I did that every following day. And the rest of the free time that I had, I would sleep it all off.
I thought that all the work I’ve done exhausts me. I needed time to rest and recover but had no idea that my depression was the one guilty of it. I was ignoring and neglecting the fact that my depression was the one that made me tired and wanting to sleep all the time.
Later, I had confronted the second lie my depression told me. The one that I was in control and everything is OK when clearly it was not. I obsessed over my food intake making sure that everything I eat is the healthiest option. Or making sure I worked 8 hours a day, did yoga and some relaxation techniques. I did everything but didn’t realize that going through depression is not all sadness and avoidance, but neglecting and controlling.
However, just a little time later this being continually restrictive and controlling has turned up against me, and I started losing my inner peace and balance.
It was the third lie my depression told which was probably the one that hurt most and slowly begun to open my eyes. It was the time when I started doubting myself constantly thinking that I am not good enough.
In these times, it was like I forgot all the people that loved me for who I am and the ones that always reminded me of that. I started losing sight. Going through depression had me fooled that even the people that cared most about me didn’t. It was then when the insecurity hit me, and I started questioning myself. I started pushing myself to do better and be better for people to love me, even though they already did. It was exhausting.
This process followed with the hardest phase – I pushed myself away from all that I loved and loved me back and built my giant walls up against them. In these times one should realize that going through depression not only hurts you but also hurts the people around you who love you.
To make it even worse, it followed the fourth lie that my depression told me. This one was that I wasn’t suffering and didn’t have any anxiety. I didn’t have real problems; I had everything I could ever dream of. Often I experienced this anxiety which involved fears that I couldn’t control. This feeling made my real anxiety and depression even worse.
It was then when the fifth lie hit me, and it walloped me. It was the feeling that the things are not bad enough. I recalled all the things I did right and fooled myself that it is not bad at all that everything is under control.
Finally, I got untangled from all the lies and admitted that it really existed, but I would never let it define me.